Plagiarize; to adopt and pass off as one’s own.

To borrow, steal or appropriate someone else’s material for one’s own gain. 

I will never forget the day I came home from school, heart-sick over the rejection I had faced that day. I was in 3rd grade, the only girl in my class who was not one of the “cousin group” which dominated our small, two room, country school. They were my friends and I was deeply hurt when the trio of girls carelessly informed me they had a secret and would I please go play with someone else? They weren’t mean spirited girls, but they were thoughtless in this instance and it stung my tender heart to the quick. 

My wise mother caught my tears and acknowledged my pain while she held and comforted me. I do not know what was going though her mind, nor do I know how she truly felt in the moment but I do know that her actions left a lasting impression on my young mind. 

She didn’t call these girl’s mothers and complain about their daughters’ ill treatment of her own. 

She didn’t breathe a word of negativity concerning the girls in question or their families. 

She didn’t change her attitude or treatment toward either the girls or their parents. 

Instead, she took me to Jesus. 

How would Jesus respond if He were in my shoes? 

She talked about “heaping coals of fire” on our enemies’ heads by returning unkindness with kindness. She talked about turning the other cheek and blessing people who hurt us. 

And then she asked me if I would like to bake cookies to take to school as a gift for each of the girls. 

As a mother with children and teens of my own, I appreciate the intentionality and sacrifice behind my mama’s response with greater understanding than I did as an eight-year old. Mama-love and loyalty would have made retaliation feel like the natural recourse. Brushing aside my tears without finding a solution, the convenient way out. But she sacrificed both her own sentiments and time to make certain I felt validated without feeling victimized. 

Time and maturity have given me a deeper understanding of just how easy it is to pick up someone else’s pain and make it our own. Whether it be our children or someone we love, it is human nature to adopt their hurts and rush to the defence. Yet this adopting of offences only ever serves to convert us from friend to weapon. Offended people needed a listening ear and someone to lead them to Jesus, but more often than not we pick up their pain and now we’re going to battle against people they may have already forgiven. 

Discernment is being able to listen to someone’s pain without making their offences our theology or identity.  While it is natural to lash out against the people who hurt the people we love, forgetting that our fight is not against flesh and blood renders us useless in the battle against the principalities and darkness of this world. 

Plagiarizing the offences of other people makes us feel like an avenging angel of righteousness when in reality we may be aligning ourselves with darkness rather than light. All of us like to feel useful. All of us need a purpose. But to have our purpose translated from leading people to the Light of Jesus to adopting their pain or offences as our own, effectively slams the door shut on growth and healing for the very people we were meant to help.

Insecurity can drive this offended identity. Sometimes it is immaturity, prefaced by a genuine desire to help, but with little understanding of how to navigate someone else’s pain or wounded ego. Sometimes it is Mother Bear, offended for her children, without realizing the damage she is doing to her child’s character. As Christian’s it is our privilege and mandate to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but our efforts are ineffectual if we plagiarize someone else’s pain and make it our own. Doing this only ensures there are now two wounded people; one who has truly been wounded and one who has found their identity in the other person’s wounds. 

Take our children for instance. Our teens are learning how to engage well with their peers, but with youth comes immaturity from which inevitable offences arise.  They will not always feel understood. They might never get the part they wanted in a skit or school play. They might be the one everyone takes for granted. They may feel as though certain situations were handled unfairly and they came out the loser. It may seem as though someone else’s child is always pushing to be on top, aided and abetted by his/her parents. 

These things happen, but my friends, for the love of our children, let’s stop carrying their offences as if our being offended that they’re offended will result in justification.  

How is it helpful to have the parents of an offended child or teen, jump aboard the great ship Disgruntled and sail off to do battle in the murky waters of Entitlement Bay? 

Ruffled feathers and misunderstandings between peers and teens happen, but how much worse for everyone involved if all the mother hens and daddy roosters come cackling and crowing into the fray, pushing and shoving to make their opinion known and their children understood? 

Would it not behoove us rather to say little and love much? Is it so important that our children are never exposed to slight that we are willing to sacrifice peace and friendship on the altar of wounded ego? 

Does it really matter if they are overlooked or taken for granted? 

Isn’t this the perfect opportunity to teach them that, “Great peace have those who love Your law; nothing shall offend them?” (Psalm 119:165) To instil the fact that, as Christians, we are compatriots, not competitors.

Did someone say something unkind? This is your God-given opportunity to return unkindness with Christ’s enduring love. To help the offended person look past the offence and into the heart of the (perhaps unaware) offender.

Has someone been legitimately wounded? Gently leading them through steps of healing and into the presence of Jesus will give them the freedom and peace they crave. Freedom that has nothing to do with how well we adopted their pain, and everything to do with Christ Jesus and the sweetness of His presence.

Relationships are destroyed and healing stalled by plagiarizing the offences of others. We can love someone deeply without making their offended ego (or even their genuine trauma) our vendetta. Our flag flies high, not with the garish colours of a crusader, but with God’s banner of  truth and love. 

He is our Healer.  We are His helpers whose purpose is to lead hurting people into the kindly presence of Jesus. The One who is intimately acquainted with every grief and distress earth has known and yet carries no offence.