In 1938, Harvard researchers embarked on a decades-long study to find out what makes people happy. The researchers gathered health records from 724 participants from all over the world and asked detailed questions about their lives at two-year intervals.

Our modern world of consumerism has long been duped into believing that things make us happy. “If only I could have ….” or “if only I could travel,” or any other number of like dreams that require financial assistance; then I would be satisfied and could be happy and content. As Christians, we know this to be a lie, for Jesus clearly states that He is our source of fulfilment and joy. (Psalm 20: 7-8 and this particular study revealed that happy people are not the result of monumental achievements, money, exercise, or even a healthy diet. The most consistent thread they found woven throughout 85 years of study, was that those living with positive relationships were happier and healthier, (with a significant increase in longevity) than the participants who lived with chronic stress; particularly relational stress. That group was notably less healthy and happy. 

God created each of us with an elemental need for connection and friendship. We crave touch, mutual fellowship, and affirming words. These desires are good but like all gifts, these longings for connection, friendship, and fellowship were meant to be filled first with God, Himself. Friends are delightful; heart to heart connections a necessary thing, but the woman who forfeits friendship with her Father for the piddly offerings of human friendship will find herself restless and dissatisfied.  Any friendship attempting to find fulfillment within itself spirals downward into an empty vacuum of ceaseless action. There is no rest, for we must always be admired, sought after, or otherwise affirmed that we are loved. 

  Life-giving friendships are sustainable and refreshing because we are not endeavouring to extract from the human soul that which was meant to be filled with Christ. We are at rest. 

  We love our friends best when we love God first. Our measure of being a life-giving friend is directly related to our fellowship with, and obedience to, our Lord and Master. “By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep His commandments” 1 John 5:2.

In my lifetime, which admittedly is not as extensive as some may boast, I have observed two basic ways of pursuing friendship. 

The first says, “I want a friend,” and thereupon we decide whom we wish to have as a close friend. In plain English, we go ‘friend hunting.’ Searching for a friend is not wrong; asking God to bring good friends into our lives if we find ourselves at a deficit is good; but if our search is driven by a desire for popularity or personal gain, we will reap the rewards of shallow relationships. This is a selfish, clinging version of friendship. Self-seeking friendships are rooted in our own need for validation, and we grasp after meaningful friendships as a means of satisfaction and fulfillment, forgetting that even the closest of friends cannot satisfy the need of the soul. 

The second way of pursuing a friendship says, “Do you need a friend?” This may be the unconscious thought of a mind trained to think selflessly, or it may be intentional. Either way, our focus is on what we can give and not what we receive. This friendship is a loose, open-handed relationship that rejoices in the successes and gifts of others. It delights in hearing other people praised, feeling warmly satisfied when its friends are loved by everyone they meet.

 This is a friendship grounded in the security of having first found complete satisfaction in the Lord Jesus.

  I met Evelyn in my teens. Her story was fraught with interrupted friendships due in part to never really belonging anywhere. Her family had moved around more than most, and she deeply craved a place to belong. More than that, she longed to be included in the inner sanctum of what she perceived as the “in crowd.“  She told me how, when they visited a new church after having moved once again, she would pinpoint the girls she thought were most popular, and do her best to ingratiate herself to them, bending over backwards to make herself pleasing. Yet despite all her strategizing and effort, relationship disappointment seemed to trail her like the rolling road dust of the Midwest. 

  And then one day she quit trying, and instead began looking for ways to befriend the quiet, introverted girl who never ventured far from the safety of the back wall. And between this unlikely pair blossomed a beautiful friendship that only became sweeter as the years went by. 

  Evelyn found the grace of giving to be greater than the blessing of receiving. She took that one small step of obedience as the Holy Spirit prompted her, reached out her hand to a lonely girl and found not only friendship, but a new understanding of her own worth before God. It was the beginning of a journey that led to finding her security in Christ, as a dearly loved daughter of our kind Father. 

This is a true friend! One who looks for ways to bless and give. One who is inspired by her time with the Lord Jesus and filled with His grace and goodness. A friend who knows the truth of, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” Acts 20:35.

Letting go of friendships. Is this Biblical?

  The world at large has run amuck with the idea that friendship is about what’s good for me. The flag of “My life matters!” waves belligerently from the windows of well-intentioned people lauded for their ability to speak up for their rights. But the Bible says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” Philippians 2:3.

The world says, “I’ll be your friend, but I have my limits,” but the Bible says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” Acts 20:35.

The world says, “Relationships should be an equal 50/50, and if they are not, I’m out of here,” but the Bible says, “Outdo one another in showing honour.” Romans 12:10. 

 God’s Word clearly states that we are here to serve; not necessarily to be served. To give, more than we are to receive. (Mark 10:43-45) In considering these verses, is there ever a time to let go of a friendship? 

What do we do about verses such as; 1 Corinthians15:33- “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals.” Proverbs 12:26- “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 13:20- “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” 

  I believe there are times when a relationship needs to be re-evaluated if it has become too consuming to allow for a healthy balance between the person in question and all the other responsibilities God has given us, not the least of which, are our own families if we are married and/or have children. But please hear me out. No friendship needs to end in an explosion of mistrust and hurt feelings. Letting go of a friendship that we know is influencing us for evil, can be done quietly with little fanfare. The first step may be as minuscule as refusing to participate in the gossip or negative behaviour exhibited. This will automatically label you as, “no fun,” to the friend whose conscience is already stained. The drifting apart will happen naturally. 

  Be very careful in withdrawing the gift of friendship from someone. Yes, it may be necessary if the relationship has proven to be unhealthy and the friend, unwilling to take counsel, but do not make this decision flippantly. Ask the Lord for guidance and pray, pray, pray!

We are all given gifts, but not all are gifted alike. 

  Life-giving friendship not only recognizes, but also rejoices that we are given different gifts to edify the body of Christ. It is not drawn into the subtle pull of competition because it sees itself as one of a group, not a celebrity to be deferred to, and as a member of a body, not an individual entity. It values the input and opinion of others because it is humble enough to know the combination of gifts is always better than independent action. 

   A practical example of this was exemplified in my childhood friends whom I will call Lisa, Rebecca, and  Violet for the sake of anonymity. 

  Violet was a gifted artist. Her work in art class was the gold standard we all tried to imitate. Some strove to improve their own artwork by asking Violet for tips and instruction. Lisa was one such person. 

  By contrast, Rebecca seemed to take Violet’s superior work as a personal insult, constantly offering unwarranted critique despite her own lack. She saw Violet as a threat and found ways to subtly demean her work instead of jumping at the opportunity to learn from someone more gifted in art than herself. 

 Genuine friendship does not feel threatened by the success of others, but rejoices with those who rejoice. This is only possible when we have first found our security and satisfaction in the Father-love of God.

Speak the truth in love

  Another characteristic of genuine, life-giving friendship is its commitment to speaking truth in love. This does not mean we bluntly tell our friends their faults while carelessly disregarding their feelings and insecurities. In the same manner, ‘speaking the truth in love’ does not give us free rein to air our petty grievances against each other in the sugar-coated disguise of concern.  (“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offences.” Proverbs 10:12.) Speaking the truth in love means we care so deeply, we are willing to risk the sting of disapproval for the betterment of the other.

Silence is not the same thing as love. Proverbs 27:9 says, “The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” 

Faith shot a sidelong glance at her friend Betty, wishing uncomfortably she would stop saying negative things about their Sunday School teacher. Fear of repercussion kept her tongue tied, and, as she walked home some time later, she keenly felt her own miserable cowardice. True, Betty was a force to be reckoned with and her disproval something to be avoided if possible, but somehow Faith felt as though she had lost something valuable by her silence. 

Love as Christ loves

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” Ephesians 5:1. 

 And how did Christ love us? 

Let me count the ways… 

-selflessly (He gave Himself for our good in both life and death.) 

-redemptively (He paid the penalty for our sin. The purposes of God are always redemptive.) 

– unapologetically speaking the truth (He loved the souls of men more than the comfort of a good reputation.) 

While this is by no means an exhaustive list, I think we can all agree that Christ loves with staggering unselfishness. He loved the twelve enough to call them to Himself and disciple them, teaching them truth even when it seemed they would never learn. He loved children enough to take them on His lap and bless them. He loved the Pharisees enough to speak hard truth and storm the temple, wiping out the filthy desecration they had allowed to flourish in the courtyard intended for the Gentiles.

Genuine friendship can be summed up by these familiar verses in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

This is life-giving, selfless, Christian love because this is about others.