Three powerful little words by which destinies are shattered or determined. 

When it comes to relationships, we would all prefer a seamless flow of mutual love and good will toward mankind in general and our friends and fellow Christians in particular. Yet we know that, until Jesus returns, the likelihood of this ideal being anyone’s life long experience is about as probable as my developing an appreciation for chaotic closets. 

Unfortunately, there are two things about relationships this side of Heaven, that are inevitable; 

1. At some point in your life, someone will hurt you; most likely, multiple people.
2. When you are hurt you will either forgive or let that wound fester; and the choice you make will either grow you more into the image of Jesus, or slowly, subtly remove His likeness from your person. 

In Matthew 6:11 Jesus instructs us to pray for forgiveness, but His method is interesting because He doesn’t merely tell us to ask for forgiveness. He says we should ask to be forgiven as we have forgiven others. He goes on to reiterate this in verse fourteen of the same chapter, 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, you heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Whew! 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want Jesus to judge me by my standards. I need His grace. I think He knew this and it is why He says, “as we forgive.” I want to be judged by God’s measuring stick, for unlike mine, it is long on grace and weighted with forgiveness. 

Two things I need on the regular. 

Forgiveness fosters relationship, while turning a microscope on each other tears relationship to shreds. I can assure you that if someone chose to scrutinize my life they would find a million little ways wherein I am found wanting, but here’s the thing… by what measure we judge, we shall also be judged. I am more than happy to forgive where forgiveness is needed and allow God to judge matters. He judges righteously and I trust Him implicitly. 

If we allow the love of God to flow through us and thereby forgive others as quickly as we are wounded, we will live in unbroken fellowship with Christ. But if we continuously walk away regurgitating the hurt we felt, we allow that wound to fester until the stink of it separates us from God. 

Most of the time when someone struggles with unforgiveness or bitterness it is not the result of one hurt. It is wound upon unforgiven wound, a buildup of small hurts that were never truly forgiven. 

So how do we live above this? 

1. Live forgiving (an intentional lifestyle of thinking no evil and forgiving instantly) 

We are all called to forgiveness. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

And how does God forgive us? Let me count the ways;

1. Before we loved Him. (1 John 4:10-12) 
2. While we were still sinning against Him. (Luke 23:34; Romans 5:8)
3. Seventy times seven (Matthew 8:21-22)
4. Lavishly and completely (Ephesians 1:7-10; 1John 1:9) 
5. Entirely/full circle. as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12)

To live forgiving is to consistently take our hurts to Jesus as quickly as the offence occurs, and leave them in His capable hands. It is a deliberate choice to think the best of everyone’s intentions, refusing to allow our mind to attribute abstract, possible motives to people’s actions when we have no evidence beyond our sometimes wildly inaccurate imagination.  

6. Communicate when necessary (not every hurt needs to be talked about)

Some hurts needs to be taken straight to Jesus, and some need to be addressed. There is a time to go to someone and clear the air. (Matthew 5:23-24) There is also a time to be silent. Not every emotion and thought you have needs to be shared the moment you feel it. Spewing temporary emotions can cause permanent damage. Some things need silence, reflection, and prayer before it is plain whether this is between you and the Lord, or between you and someone else. 

Not every hurt needs to be talked about. 

Not every feeling needs to be validated. 

Not every misunderstanding needs to be put through the wringer and hung out to dry. 

There is a time to communicate and a time to let go of our very human desire to be understood, even if, before God, we know we were judged wrongly. 

And how do we know when we need to speak and when we need to let go? 

Have you tried asking the Lord? 

I find that the Holy Spirit is always faithful to tell me which way to turn when I ask for specific guidance. One of the things the Lord so clearly gave to me a number of years ago when I was praying about a situation, was these two simple questions; 

“Are you wanting to talk to this person about the way they hurt you because you feel the need to be understood, or is it because you want to understand their heart? Is it for their good, or for the validation and justification of your own feelings? 

7. Choose to think the best of everyone (in a world of Piglets and Eyeores, be a Pooh)

Most people, yes even the ones who hurt you, are not mean-spirited so much as they are either thoughtless or misguided in their judgements. 

On the other hand, be exceedingly wary of causing unnecessary hurt by being critical or talking about things that aren’t productive to reconciliation. Be equally careful to not assume you fully understand a situation because you “discern” something. We are not God, and it’s important to remember this when dealing with people. We cannot read motives and it is sin to assume we can. What we do know is that;

1.  We are to take our thoughts captive in obedience to Christ. (We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 ) 
2. We are to think more highly of others than we do of ourselves. (Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3)  Seriously! Think about the implications of this verse! It’s a sermon and a study in psychology all in one. Human nature insists we each see things more clearly than anyone else. We trust our own perception. Christ Jesus says to consider our opinions and perspective less important than understanding our brother’s/sister’s.
3. Finally, don’t regurgitate yesterday’s pain. Deal with it. Acknowledge it. Bring it to Jesus. And then forgive. This gives you the freedom to renew your mind in Christ and to think good, wholesome, upbuilding thoughts instead of cycling through round after round of “what I should have said,” powered by the well muscled legs of Exoneration.

Whatever things are true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

4.    Remember your enemy (spoiler alert; it isn’t people) 

We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of darkness. People are not our enemy, the forces of evil are. It is not us against the ones who wounded us, it is us against the Evil One doing his best to separate and destroy the unity of spirit we experience with other believers. 

We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

We are not alone in this fight for God is with us. And greater is He that is in us than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4) 

Forgiveness frees us to love without constraint. To live full-throttle without the hindrances of fearing what people may think of us, or the bitterness of rejection levelled against us. Forgiveness draws us into the presence of the Father and unleashes the power of the Holy Spirit within us until we can laugh without fear of the future. 

Above all, my friends, remember that the secret of our strength lies not in our own wisdom and insight, but in the power of our resurrected Lord Jesus living in and through us. He is our source and it is by His marvellous grace that we keep saying over and over and over again until it becomes as natural as breathing, “I forgive you.”

We live healed and whole when we live forgiving.