I have a great need for God. I have a great desire for my husband. When my need is filled with Christ I am free to act upon my desire without depending upon desire to fill my need. ~LK

He sat on the edge of my bed, watching me as I repacked my black leather bag with its necessary midwifery supplies. “Do you need me?” He asked, softly, breaking into the comfortable silence that surrounded us. 

I turned to look at him, taken aback by the question, even while I recognized the thin thread of insecurity lacing his words. For a moment I didn’t know how to respond. He was a man. He wanted to feel needed, yet I couldn’t lie and say I absolutely needed him. As a single, young woman I knew what it was to live whole and entirely happy without him in my life. I felt security and purpose, knowing that I was tenderly loved by my heavenly Father and guided by the Holy Spirit. This was my need.

I was weeks away from marrying the man of my dreams and couldn’t wait to spent the rest of my life with him. But need? Gently, almost apologetically, I told him that no, I did not need him, before hurrying ton o assure him that this did not alter the fact that I very much wanted him, and that he was important to me. 

Recently, in a conversation about healthy manhood, I reminded my husband of the question he had posed so many years ago. He laughed ruefully, chagrined. “Who was that insecure little boy, and what was he thinking, putting his girl on the spot like that?” he asked. I laughed with him. The memory of it amusing as I tried to reconcile the person who wanted me to be needy, to the confident, wholly secure man I am married to today.

After 20 years of marriage I am more convinced than ever that marriage and all that it entails is not a need. It is a delightful want. This includes every aspect of marriage. Sex, passion, romantic love, companionship… these are all wonderful gifts, but they are not needs. Do the single people in your life need a spouse in order to be happy or fulfilled? Look at the grieving widows and widowers who, while grief may feel overwhelming, find purpose and joy in life in the face of incredible loss. Look at the people who have been betrayed by their marriage partners and are raising their families alone, or the joy-filled, Christian mother with an unbelieving husband, courageously teaching her children the ways of God.

Soul-deep, Spirit-filled connection in marriage is beautiful, and is without question the goal of every Christian marriage, but marriage was never intended to fulfill us. God wants us to be happy in our marriages, but He didn’t create marriage to be the source of our contentment and joy. 

My husband is not my source of happiness. Oh, he makes me excessively happy, but he is not my source. In the same vein, I am not created to be my husband’s source of confidence. I can certainly add to it, but I am not his source.

WE have been taught that supportive women create confident men, and there is some truth to it. But if you believe that lending your adoring, unending support to your husband, or offering unlimited sex at the expense of your own sanity is the answer to making your husband a confident leader, you’ve been lied to. He may feel on top of the world, and you may be able keep up the pace and pressure for a season, but it will eventually strip you bare and leave you resentful, crushed, and broken by a responsibility that was never yours to carry. Anytime we try to take the place of the Holy Spirit by being our husband’s source of confidence and support we exhaust our human capacities. We are not designed to live under this kind of pressure. We are meant to partner with God to encourage and support each other, not to be each other’s emotional prop or source of confidence and happiness.

I want my husband and he wants me. He is my best-loved person on earth and every minute spent with him is my favourite. He loves me unconditionally, and is the most rock-solid piece of secure humanity that I know of. I don’t ever want to live without him. Despite all that, I know how to be happy without him. He is an extraordinarily busy man, laser-focussed on whatever the most pressing need of the hour may be, and so my time with him is limited. We make the moments we do have, count to the best of our ability. 

I am convinced that a big part of the reason we don’t tire of each other’s company is that neither one of us are emotionally draining to the other. He does not need anything I can give him in order to be a whole person. He does not need my affirmation, respect, and love to be a secure, confident leader. Does he love when I am affirming, or go out of my way to express appreciation? Of course he does, and naturally it boosts his confidence, but it is not his source.

When we love our spouse from a place of need, we are placing them in the uncomfortable position of needing to fill a part of us that only Jesus is meant to fill. Receiving affirmation from people is pleasant but unnecessary to our emotional health if we are secure in our understanding of Christ’s love for us. Don’t get me wrong. I believe a healthy marriage includes a very large dose of affirmation and thoughtful acts of kindness. It includes time set aside for communication and having fun together. It includes mutual love and respect. But these things were never meant to be be our source of happiness and joy. They are the sunrise over the lake, not the lake itself.

As wives, we are called to be a help, meet for our husbands (yes the comma is intentional), but what exactly does this mean? This phrase has often been misinterpreted as one word, showcasing a married woman as little more than her husband’s servant, whose role it is to empower her husband’s ministry, fulfill his sexual desires, and create a haven of rest for him in which he feels honoured and respected. 

The tricky part about this concept is that there is a modicum of truth to it, something all dangerous lies tend to entail, but before we look at the lies, let’s look at the biblical definition of help meet. The Hebrew word for help in this context simply means “helper, ally, or support.” It is the exact same word used in 1Chronicles 12:22 describing the men who came to help David when he was running from Saul. They were on his side. It is the same word David used repeatedly in the Psalms as he acknowledged that God was on his side, and implored God for help, by turns. For instance, my cousin ¹Sheryl pointed out that this is the same word used in the verse, “God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble.”² She goes on to say, “this teaches us about a help that is strong and present, a help that isn’t there to satisfy selfish wants, but speaks into needs with wisdom and truth as God does, respecting man’s free will and personhood. God doesn’t control us as he helps us, and neither does a helper, her husband.”
You are your husband’s helper, in that you are on his side. You are his ally. You have got his back. His heart safely trusts in you, his wife. You are for him and not against him.  

This brings us to the first of the three lies mentioned earlier. 

Lie number one: “I am created to empower my husband’s ministry and make him feel adept at everything he chooses to do.” As husband and wife, we are heirs together of the grace of life, not one heir and one helper of the heir. (1 Peter 3:7) We each have gifts we are responsible to use for the glory of God and it behooves us to utilize them in a way that edifies the saints and draws sinners to Christ.  

One of my favourite things about my husband is the way he is utterly unthreatened when I exercise my gifts. He is a gifted man, but he is not out to make a name for himself. He isn’t interested in stuffing me into a box of his making; he doesn’t feel entitled to having me at home all the time (even though being a keeper of our home is my first and greatest calling), and is in fact, my biggest encouragement to accept speaking engagements and writing opportunities. We are heirs together, both exercising our gifts, both working together for the glory of God and the good of His kingdom. We are compatriots, not competitors. Yes, he leads and I follow, but his leadership is marked by what is good for me and most edifying to the greater body of Christ, not what makes him look good or feel most competent. 

Another aspect of this lie is the idea that if I praise my husband for things he could be good at (but isn’t) he will rise to the occasion and become that which I spoke over him. (I must empower him) 

This is false. Saying, “You are amazing at navigating relationships,” when you know jolly well your husband needs help in this area is nothing short of a lie. The truth is that a good wife will kindly and respectfully speak into her husband’s life and help him learn how to navigate relationships well (if this is a weak spot), so that he can truly succeed rather than operate under the false, egotistical assumption that he is gifted where in fact, he has much to learn. 

It is nothing short of amazing that my husband and our sensitive, dramatic daughter have the relationship they do. Few people know how much effort and humility have gone into the cultivation of that relationship as he navigated the stormy waters of balancing twelve-year-old hurt feelings with teaching her to not take everything personally. No one sees the hundreds of hugs he gives her because he knows it will make her feel secure and loved all the way down to her littlest toe, even though he could easily live without those hugs. He is one of her favourite people; a rock of support and safety. A large part of this is because he did not feel threatened when I began guiding his responses to his daughter, coaching and sometimes correcting. He welcomed my input, being much more concerned about cultivating a good relationship with his daughter than about protecting his own ego. 

Every human craves honest expressions of gratitude and praise, but if we flatter our husbands with sweet words and worshipful gazes at the expense of speaking truth, we are not being kind or loving no matter our intention. We are avoiding conflict. Preserving peace may feel easier (and holier) than addressing issues we would rather ignore, but this is not being a good helper to your husband. This is flattery. Proverbs has much to say about the flattering tongue;

“A man (or woman) who flatters his neighbour, (or her husband) spreads a net for his feet.” Proverbs 29:5

According to this pointed verse, we assist the devil in ensnaring our husbands when we speak flattering words, instead of building him up, as was our misguided intention. 

Perhaps your challenge has been, or is, speaking respectfully and wisely. If so, allow the Holy Spirit to curb your tongue and temper your opinions. However, I have found that for many women, the hardest thing for them to conquer in marriage is the ability to speak the truth without flattery, because flattery feels kinder and more honouring of one’s husband, than does speaking the truth. If this is you, remember that, “whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favour than he who flatters with his tongue.” Proverbs 28:23

It is never easy to hear rebuke, and this is true for your husband as well. There is possibly nothing that stings more to a man than to hear a rebuke from his wife even when kindly given. The same is true of us when our husbands correct us, but a wise couple will hear the voice of each to the other without offence and take it to Jesus to be examined with an open heart. If the rebuke is grounded in truth, we do well to hear each other and let the Holy Spirit change us, allowing iron to sharpen iron. (Proverbs 27:17)

In this, we need each other, just as we need our local church body. Not one of us were designed to walk alone, whether that need for companionship is found in marriage or community, or church. But again, none of these are meant to be the genesis of our joy or even happiness. They add to it, but they dare not become the source. 

Lie number two: “I am created to fulfill my husband’s sexual desires.” Have you ever noticed that the command in Scripture to not withhold sex except by mutual consent for a time, says “do not deprive one another,” not, “do not deprive your husband”? Sex is for both men and women. You have just as much claim to sexual fulfillment as your husband does. (1Corinthians 7:3-5) It may play out differently in different seasons; for instance, it is very common for women to have low libido while nursing babies or going through menopause but this does not decrease her desire for non-sexual touch and gentle love. This does not mean she is cold and untouchable and can’t be aroused if her husband leads with patience and kindness. Not every season of marriage will be bursting with passionate emotion toward each other, but this does not mean your marriage is failing. Passion is like a wildfire in a pine forest. It blows in, hot and strong, taking and consuming, an exhilarating, momentary flash in time. It is wonderful, but it comes and goes. Love, on the other hand, burns slowly and steadily, an oak log in a controlled space, giving light and warmth, spreading a blanket of safety, peace, and security over everyone within the glow of its presence. 

Lie number three: “I am responsible to create a haven of rest for my husband.” This one is tricky because embedded therein lies a margin of truth, neatly wrapped up in our misconception of what creating an atmosphere of rest looks like. I am largely responsible for creating a restful aura in our home since I am at home much more than my husband is, but this is not accomplished by frantic cleaning, gourmet cooking, or having everything in tip top shape so my husband feels no responsibility to help with anything when he arrives home from work. (And don’t think this is your ticket to laziness. We’re taking about need, not lack of motivation.) Creating an atmosphere of rest has much more to do with our spirits being at rest and our hearts happy than it does about a perfect house, or never needing help. It’s okay to ask your husband for help. You are not failing if supper is late, because a neighbour dropped in, or your teething baby has been fussing and irritable all day, or you simply lost track of time. You are not failing if your husband walks in the door just in time to catch your tears or settle a childish dispute. A haven of rest isn’t a haven of perfection, but rather one in which you, mother and wife, have learned the grace of adapting to the bend and demands of life without losing your peace because your peace flows directly from the Prince of Peace.  

Spouses are heirs together of the grace of life. Equal before God with different roles. Let’s walk tall and strong, like we truly believe this. You are your husband’s ally not his source, and if he is a good man, I can assure you he wants nothing more that to see you happy and thriving. Learn the secret of finding all you truly need in the all-sufficient love your Heavenly Father has for you, his daughter. When you do this first, you free your husband to love you and help you without feeling suffocated by the enormity of your neediness.

Perhaps you have already discovered this secret to lasting, unflappable joy, but your husband has not and leans heavily on you for affirmation to feel confident. This is a hard place to be but remember my friend, you are not responsible for your husband’s happiness. You were not created to be his source of anything. His ally and helper, his friend and confidante, yes, but not his source. You can pray for him, and, if he is open to listening, can have honest conversations with him in which you kindly express your thoughts on the matter, but you cannot be to him what Jesus is meant to be. 

Run to the Source my friends!  He is our joy, our peace, the healer of all that is wounded and broken, and our unwavering rock of strength and security. Finding our perfect peace in Him frees us to love fully, with no strings attached.

You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:3-4 

1. https://zeisetfamilyupdates.wordpress.com/about/ ↩︎
2. Psalm 46:1 ↩︎